Commander Data Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Hi guys, sry for not being active the last 4 weeks, but im back for the moment, I need some response about my introduction for a new star trek series, Star Trek United Front. I wish if you people could reply here about if i done some mistakes, or if the Captains log thing is to long and if you got some ideas that would be great, and i want to know if its OK what i've written so far. Please reply :P Star Trek: United Front Pilot Episode: The Unknown Captains log. Star date ???? : The Crew of the newly commissioned NCC-29501 U. S. S. Serenity, Nebula Class including myself Captain Ralac Sebrask fresh from the U. S. S. Explorer have been sent out on it's first mission towards the newly found class m planet, named Jalka. Our mission is to help the new colonies on planet Jalka to settle in, but the course towards the planet will set us closely near to the Romulan boarder, I hope that we wont get into a fight with a Romulan Valdore class ship. With me as the first Captain onboard this ship, Starfleet has chosen out the bridge officers for this ship, starting with my first officer Commander Shkart Zhen an Andorian known for his opinions Then we come to pilot of my new ship Lieutenant Commander Julia Johansen, one of the few norwegians in Starfleet. In the infirmary and main engineering we got the vulcans Lieutenant Commander Sheran and T'Shal, I will be looking forward to see how logical they are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TFMF Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I think the Captains log could be streamlined a bit. Captains log. Star date ???? : The Crew of the newly commissioned NCC-29501 U. S. S. Serenity, including myself Captain Ralac Sebrask have been sent out on it's first mission towards the newly found class m planet, Jalka. Our mission is to help the new colonies on planet Jalka to settle in, but the course towards the planet will take us close to the Romulan boarder, but with any luck we won't run into any Romulan vessels. As the first Captain onboard this ship, Starfleet has chosen out the bridge officers, starting with my first officer Commander Shkart Zhen an Andorian known for his opinions. Then we come to pilot of my new ship Lieutenant Commander Julia Johansen, one of the few norwegians in Starfleet. In the infirmary and main engineering we've got the vulcans Lieutenant Commander Sheran and T'Shal, I will be looking forward to see how logical they are. ( ;) that last line's just silly lol) I've edited a few places and shortened it slightly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antipodean Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 we come to pilot of my new ship Lieutenant Commander Julia Johansen' date=' one of the few norwegians in Starfleet. [/quote'] Why are there so few Norwegians in Starfleet I wonder. Maybe its on account as they historically hunted all the whales to extinction, which almost lead to the destruction of earth (See Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home) and folks are still pretty cut about it! :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slug Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Norwegians are the nearest type of people to Vulcans I've ever met. I fell badly for a Norwegian girl on account of her alien persona, Among other things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tablet Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 One bit of advice, TFMF will support me on this, you want to be able to visualize someone saying the lines when you read them aloud, i stumbled a few times when i read it, to's and and's where they're not needed. TFMF your edit is much better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenebrae Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 They've never made references to people's nationality before - you should drop that... I mean, the closest they ever get to nationality is Picard getting pissy about Data saying French is a backward language. As far as I'm aware, "chosen out" isn't an expression and even if it is, it sounds stupid. Picked out or chosen and personally, I'd think it's rather unlikely that a Captain would get foisted with a bunch of randoms - don't they usually get to choose their bridge officers? It also seems likely that if it's the Captain is going to say something like "I have taken command of" or "This is the first Captain's log for" - something like that. I doubt that the Captain's log is going to be where the Captain goes on about his crew so specifically. Generally it seems to be the old "the crew is new and untested but I have every confidence, yadda yadda." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TFMF Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Yeah i agree - in the 24th century i'd guess it would be more about different species rather than the different parts of Earth that people were from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Commander Data Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 Thx for the help keep writting :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenebrae Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 Ok, I've something or other. Here's my rewrite. Captain's log - Stardate 1234: Having taken command of the newly commissioned Nebula Class vessel the U.S.S. Serenity. Having taken aboard a full compliment at Starbase 8, we have set course for our first mission on the planet Jalka. We've been tasked to assist the colonists settle in but the mission brings us uncomfortably close to the Romulan border and there have been reports of Valdore class ships in the vicinity - needless to say, this could prove a real test of this new crews mettle. How's that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TFMF Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 You've said: Having taken command of the newly.... then you start a new sentence saying Having taken aboard a full compliment at.... Perhaps some rewording? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenebrae Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 What am I? The answer man? But yeah - I'd probably just taken the first "having" for "I've" and make change the second sentence to "We took aboard". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emperoruk Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 Forgive me if I missed something, this sounds good but how will it be distributed when finished, on here? and what format ie word doc, mp3 or movie clip of some kind? It doesn't matter too much about grammar as long as the story is good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TetsuoShima Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Just keep the fiction coming. I'm sure we can find a good place to distribute. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenebrae Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Grammar DOES matter. The Internet also proves that if the material is good enough - it will distribute itself. Hell, I'd write a Star Trek script if I thought it would make me some money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TFMF Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 You should still post some of your ideas, Tenebrae - don't have to be long - just extracts - you might very well make some money out of it eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Commander Data Posted November 6, 2006 Author Share Posted November 6, 2006 I have continued on the script. I chose Tenebre... version of the captains log. but what do ya think of the bit i wrote after that? Star Trek: United Front Pilot Episode: The Unknown Captain's log - Stardate 1234: Having taken command of the newly commissioned Nebula Class vessel the U.S.S. Serenity and having taken aboard a full compliment at Starbase 8, we have set course for our first mission on the planet Jalka. We've been tasked to assist the colonists settle in but the mission brings us uncomfortably close to the Romulan border and there have been reports of Valdore class ships in the vicinity - needless to say, this could prove a real test of this new crews mettle. (the captain is in his study room) Ships onboard speakers: Calling Captain Captain Ralac Sebrask: Yes, what is it Ensign? Ensign on speakers: We are now only some million miles from the Neutralzone, sir, and 3 hours from the Planet Jalka, do you wish to come up? Captain Ralac Sebrask: No, inform me if something happens, I've got a meeting with my new first officer, commander Shkart Zhen. That's all sir. Ensign on speakers: Ok sir, Ill inform you if something happens. (Captain Sebrask sits down and reads a book by Charles Dickens while he's waiting) The door rings. Captain Ralac Sebrask: Come in Commander Shkart Zhen: Sir, reporting for meeting (the captain lays down his book) Captain Ralac Sebrask: Yes, as captain for this ship I've have made my self time to meet my new main bridge crew, starting with you. It says here in your file that you like nearly all Andorians like to call humans Pink Skins, but in this ship I don't want to be hearing those words. Now, I chose you to be my first officer because it says in you record that you are a loyal officer and follows orders to the letter, and I like that in a officer. Commander Shkart Zhen: Thank you for letting me join your crew. I will make you proud for choosing me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TFMF Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Ships onboard speakers: Bridge to Captain Sebrask. Captain Ralac Sebrask: Sebrask here. Ensign on speakers: We're only a few million kilometers from the Neutral Zone, sir, and 3 hours from the Planet Jalka. You asked to be informed. Captain Ralac Sebrask: Thank you, Ensign. Inform me if something happens. I've got a meeting with my new first officer, commander Shkart Zhen. Ensign on speakers: Understood, sir - i'll inform you of any changes. (Captain Sebrask sits down and starts reading a book by Charles Dickens while he's waiting) The door rings. Captain Ralac Sebrask: Come in. Commander Shkart Zhen: Sir, reporting for meeting. (the captain lays down his book) Captain Ralac Sebrask: Yes, as captain of this ship I have made time to meet my new main bridge crew, I thought it only right to start with you (The captain smiles at the first officer and then looks down at his computer). It says here in your file that you like nearly all Andorians to call humans Pink Skins, but in this ship I don't want to be hearing those words. Now, I chose you to be my first officer because it says in you record that you are a loyal officer and follows orders to the letter, and I like that in a officer. Commander Shkart Zhen: Thank you, Captain. I will make you proud for choosing me as your first officer. (bits in bold are bits i'm not sure about) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenebrae Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 You really need to write more than a few hundred words before you run back to us and show us, you know. Go knock out 10k+ and then we can have a proper talk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TFMF Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Grammar DOES matter. The Internet also proves that if the material is good enough - it will distribute itself. Hell, I'd write a Star Trek script if I thought it would make me some money. You really need to right more than a few hundred words before you run back to us and show us' date=' you know. Go knock out 10k+ and then we can have a proper talk.[/quote'] Yes....WRITE on the ball there....:rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenebrae Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 I was hung over? What do you want? An apology? If people can invade countries for fallacious reasons and not apologise, damned if I will. ZING! TOPICAL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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