Star Trek Script

[GorunNova]

The first fan Star Trek script to be parodied! Bwahaha!

 

Star Trek: Parted Rear

Pilot Episode: The Indeterminately Understood

 

Captain's personal log - Stardate 3.141: Well... due to that, umm... unfortunate incident with the daughter of the Andorian ambassador, I've been assigned to the Rustbucket Class vessel U.S.S. Lethargy. I was told that I was to pick up a new crew at Starbase 8, but I swear they just grabbed some bums from the streets of a nearby trading planet and threw starfleet uniforms on them. They're all losers, but beggars can't be choosers. Anyways, we've been given our orders, and are currently heading to the colony planet Malta to give them a hand setting up camp. You'd think they would pick colonists that have the slightest clue as to what they're doing, but you know how these colonists are. It doesn't help that Malta is uncomfortably near the Romulan border, showing yet again that these particular colonists are truly blessed with brains rivaling the most intelligent of tribbles. With any luck, we won't run into any Valdore class ships on the way, but we'll probably run into a dozen given my luck these days.

 

(the captain is napping in his study room, booted feet up on the desk and snoring like a chainsaw. He wakes up and yawns.)

Voice (over comm for the third or fourth time): "Calling captain."

Captain Michael Jordan (no relation): "Yes, what is it, Ensign Labres?"

Ensign (over comm): "We are currently a million miles away from the Neutral Zone, sir. Also, our ETA to Malta is approximately 3 hours."

Captain (angry): "What the hell! You DO know that distance wouldn't bring us a thirty-sixth of the way from Earth to Mars, right? What the hell is going on? Our original course was supposed to bring us very close to the border, but 'very close' was a good 800 million miles! Get me chief navigator Spussdidts!"

Spussdidts: *hic!* "Whassu', Commander Captain... sur?"

Captain: "You know what's up! We're right on the border of the Neutral Zone!"

Spussdidts (slurred): "Oh? ... oh! Yuh... I got one of 'dem sign thingys messhed up..."

Captain: "Idiot! Security! Remove Spussdidts from his post! Ensign, can you get us the hell away from the Neutral Zone?"

Ensign: "Yes, sir!"

Captain: "Do it! Also, if you see Commander Hen, send him in here!"

Ensign: "He's been waiting outside your study room for an hour, sir. I tried to contact you, but you must have been doing some woodwork. All I could hear was sawing."

Captain: "Ahhh... yes. Well, carpentry's good for the soul. Send him in."

(door opens, and Skirt Hen walks in.)

Commander: "Reporting for meeting, SAHR!" *salutes*

Captain: "At ease, Commander. Well, as it is mandatory for me to meet my crew, I decided to start from the top with you." *pause* "You're Andorian, I see. I don't suppose you've heard much news from Andoria?"

Commander: "No, pi... um, sir."

Captain (sighing in relief): "Oh, good... um, I mean, 'you must miss it, right'?"

Commander: "Not really, sir pi... sir. They're way too strict back there. I don't like fighting unless I have to."

Captain: "That's good. From your file, I see that you're a loyal officer who follows orders to the letter." (to himself) "I just hope anyone else in the crew has the same sort of loyalty."

Commander: "What's that, pi... sir?"

Captain: "Oh, I'm just hope you're as good an officer as this report says you are and that you'll lead the rest of the crew by example."

Commander: "Very good." (quietly) "Pinkskin."

Captain: "What was that?"

Commander: "Just clearing my throat, sir."

Captain: "All right... Well, your work begins now, Commander Hen, and hopefully it won't bore you to tears." (to the comm) "Ensign? What's the status on the Neutral Zone?"

Ensign(over comm): "We're heading away from it at full speed, but it seems like we've been spotted. A Romulan ship seems to be in pursuit!"

Captain (angry): "And when exactly were you going to notify me of this?"

Ensign(over comm): "Right now, sir. Shall we hail them?"

Captain (getting up swiftly): "Just a minute. I'll be right there." (to Hen) "Come on! It's time for us to figure out how to save our own hides!"

Commander: "Yes, pi... SIR!"

(both rush onto the bridge...)

 

---

 

(Note: Apologies to Commander Data... this isn't poking fun at your script... it just came into my head while I was reading yours. ^^)

[Commander Data]

HEHE no worrys its Very Good and Funny :P