ENT: The New Republic makes fun of Enterprise

[justingeist]

For everyone who doesn't subscribe to The New Republic, here is a spoof of Enterprise posted on their website:

 

 

STAR TREK'S LAST EPISODE.

Final Frontier

by Gregg Easterbrook

 

 

Only at TNR Online | Post date 05.10.05

 

On Friday night, UPN will broadcast the finale of "Star Trek Enterprise." After five series totaling 624 hours worth of television, plus 10 theatrical-release movies, the Star Trek universe is closing for business. Of course, in sci-fi no one ever stays dead! But officially at least, as of Friday, Star Trek will be over. On an exclusive basis, TNR Online has obtained the script of the last episode, titled "The Finale Frontier."

 

*

 

Enterprise is seen coursing along at warp speed, blurry stars in the distance. Alarms sound.

 

MAYWEATHER. Sir, in the incredible vastness of the galaxy, which is 1018 kilometers across and 99.999999 percent void, we have once again found ourselves directly in the path of another ship.

 

ARCHER. Red alert. (Huge, ominous spaceship is shown approaching.)

 

SATO. They're broadcasting a coded warning. It translates as, "We're on patrol in this sector, you got a problem with that?"

 

REED. They're firing! (Ship shakes. Everyone is thrown from side to side, electrical fires break out.)

 

ARCHER. How come whenever a Star Trek ship is hit on the outside, electrical fires start on the bridge, all the way inside?

 

MAYWEATHER. Weapons are offline. Warp engines are inoperative.

 

ARCHER. Everything's failed already! Usually this doesn't happen until after the first commercial break. And where's T'Pol?

 

T'POL. (Rushes in.) Sorry. I had to finish spraying my outfit on.

 

ARCHER. (To intercom.) Archer to engineering. Trip, I need power!

 

TUCKER. The EPS conduit injector relays are inverted! The plasma confinement chamber has gone hypercritical! I'll need to decompensate the neutrino flux generators and reinitialize the photonic transduction bypass coils! (He pushes two buttons.) Okay, power is restored.

 

MAYWEATHER. Hull breech on deck eight.

 

ARCHER. Compensate!

 

T'POL. One would think that a twenty-second-century faster-than-light starship would be designed such that, if the hull were about to shatter, the captain would not have to say, "Compensate." One would think automatic systems would compensate.

 

ARCHER. Not if the captains' union has any say in the matter.

 

SATO. They're hailing us.

 

ALIEN. I am Proconsul Drek of the Nylons. You have violated Nylon space. I must destroy you--unless you let me board your ship and perform the traditional Nylon wrist-slapping ceremony.

 

ARCHER. He's a sinister, hostile alien whom we know absolutely nothing about. Let him board.

 

PROCOUNSEL DREK. I'd also like to bring samples of the fine cosmetics I sell as part of a multilevel marketing deal with the Gorn. You can make 10,000 credits a month in your spare time!

 

Suddenly a mysterious figure materializes in a swirl of energy at the center of the bridge.

 

REED. Security alert!

 

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE. Don't shoot! I am Claudia-James abdul-Wasserstein-Singh, a Star Trek producer from the year 2063. I've traveled backward in time to warn you not to cancel "Star Trek Enterprise."

 

T'POL. The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that time travel is impossible.

 

ABDUL-WASSERSTEIN-SINGH. Without time travel we would have run out of plots years ago! Listen, here is my warning. In the year 2063, the last independently produced holographic show is "Star Trek: the Nth Generation." But if your Star Trek is cancelled, then mine will cease to exist, and Rupert Murdoch will take over all of television!

 

SATO. Murdoch's still alive?

 

ABDUL-WASSERSTEIN-SINGH. You don't know about the Mandatory Cloning Act of 2016 because it hasn't happened yet. In my era, Murdoch's Fox Mega-Net has taken over everything. Star Trek shows are the last holdouts of liberty and idealism in entertainment. You've got to keep "Star Trek Enterprise" from being cancelled.

 

ARCHER. Wait, if we don't alter the timeline by saving the show, wouldn't you cease to exist?

 

ABDUL-WASSERSTEIN-SINGH. (Body begins to fade.) Oh no! It's happening! I'm ceasing to exist! Jonathan Archer, you must save the future! (Vanishes.)

 

INTERCOM. Proconsul Drek of the Nylons just beamed aboard.

 

MAYWEATHER. I've lost helm control! Someone's taken over the ship!

 

INTERCOM. This is Security. As soon as Drek came on board he pushed a bunch of buttons real fast, and he's taken over the ship. (Pause.) He's also got some nice eye creams for sale at reasonable prices.

 

ARCHER. How come every alien who boards this ship can instantly take it over just by pushing a bunch of buttons on any console?

 

T'POL. Perhaps he looked at the brochure, Helpful Hints for Seizing Starfleet Vessels, that's on the rack in the reception lobby.

 

ARCHER. Here's what we'll do. We'll organize an incredibly dangerous away mission in which our shuttlepod flies directly into a trap. As captain and the only irreplaceable person on board, I, of course, will lead the away mission. But I'll take along a crewmember who's never been seen in any previous episode. That guy will get killed, then you can mount a rescue mission for me that includes lots of kickboxing and small-arms fire.

 

T'POL. Excellent plan, captain.

 

MAYWEATHER. Drek is putting us on a new course, for the Formaggio Nebula.

 

REED. No ship has ever returned from the Formaggio Nebula! It's sort of a galactic fondue pot of doom.

 

ARCHER. T'Pol, get down to Engineering and help Trip take back control of the ship. You'll have to re-route the synchronic amplifiers, interphase the tachyon coupling buffers, and reverse the polarity on the impulse manifolds.

 

T'POL. Yes captain!

 

Scene shifts to Engineering.

 

TUCKER. So the ship is about to be destroyed again. That makes it time for some emotionally charged romantic banter.

 

T'POL. Commander, if you and I are to complete the telepathic spiritual link, we must first engage in the ancient Vulcan mating ritual known as pon pornn. Literally this means "hot S&M." The ritual lasts many hours.

 

TUCKER. We'd better start right away, before they cancel the show! (They hurry to T'Pol's cabin.)

 

Scene shifts back to bridge.

 

ARCHER. Target all weapons! Fire!

 

REED. Fire at what?

 

ARCHER. Whatever. I just really like to say, "Fire!" It's my best line.

 

MAYWEATHER. Captain, a temporal anomaly is forming directly in front of the ship. Several large starcruisers are emerging.

 

SATO. Their call signs are NCC-1701--the Enterprise of Captain James Kirk. And NCC-1701D--the Enterprise of Captain Jean-Luc Picard. And NCC-74656--the Voyager of Captain Katherine Janeway. And NX-74205--the Defiant of Captain Benjamin Sisko.

 

ARCHER. All the ships of all the other shows are converging on this point! It's got to have something to do with syndication rights.

 

SECURITY. Captains Kirk, Sisko, Janeway, and Picard have just beamed aboard, along with Spock, Data, Worf, Tuvok, Jadzia, Seven of Nine, Yeoman Janice, and a really annoying Ferengi.

 

ARCHER. Kirk! I'll never get a word in edgewise. (To intercom.) Have the captains and Spock meet me in my quarters. Tell the others it's an emergency--they need to crawl through long, cramped, narrow tubes and push a bunch of buttons. They'll know what to do.

 

REED. Why are all the important buttons on Starfleet ships at the end of long, cramped, narrow tubes?

 

ARCHER. To protect us from takeover by claustrophobic aliens!

 

Scene shifts to Archer's quarters.

 

KIRK. This is about the human dream, the dream of tomorrow coming after today, the dream of standing atop a hill built of dreams and shouting for all to hear that we are what we dreamed we could become when we began to dream. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

 

ALL OTHERS. No.

 

PICARD. We are here because there is a threat to the cosmos itself. At the beginning of the very first Star Trek show, the narrator split an infinitive. The split infinitive has since become unstable in a parallel universe and threatens to become an infinitely split infinitive. If this happens, reality as we know it will disappear in a blur of special effects.

 

ARCHER. What can we do?

 

SISKO. Someone must travel backward in time and prevent the narrator of the first Star Trek episode from saying, "To boldly go where no man has gone before." He must say instead, "Boldly to go where no man has gone before." Only then can the cosmos be preserved.

 

ARCHER. But if we alter the timeline, there could be unintended changes in the course of history!

 

SPOCK. Logically, we have no choice. And I say "logically" because whenever I say this, people assume I must be right.

 

Scene shifts to the bridge.

 

ARCHER. It was very brave of that crewman we'd never seen in any previous episode to volunteer to travel backward in time and prevent the split infinitive.

 

SPOCK. According to my calculations, the timeline should be changing--right now. (Everything shimmers for a moment.)

 

ARCHER. The infinitely split infinitive, is it gone?

 

SPOCK. (Looking at tricorder.) Yes. The mission was a success.

 

Elevator door opens and T'Pol enters, dressed only in a string bikini and spike heels.

 

ARCHER. Wow T'Pol, you look fabulous in that swimsuit! But what's the special occasion?

 

T'POL. Special occasion? I do not know what you mean. All attractive Vulcan females are forbidden to wear anything but string bikinis and spike heels. This has been Vulcan law for centuries.

 

MAYWEATHER. Captain, I'm scanning the logs. She's right, she's never worn anything but a bikini on the ship.

 

SPOCK. This must be a consequence of altering the timeline. History was subtly changed in some way that caused Vulcan females to adopt highly provocative dress.

 

MAYWEATHER. Captain, that's not all that's changed. "Star Trek Enterprise" is now the number-one rated television show in the United States! T'Pol's scenes are extremely popular with the 18-to-34 male demographic that advertisers want to reach.

 

SPOCK. Logically, considering her figure and your ratings problems, it is amazing the producers did not disrobe this actress long ago. After all, it's science fiction. You can assume anything you want about what standards of dress and norms of personal appearance might be in the future. The original Star Treks of the 1960s had all the women in micro-mini skirts. Apparently to save the show, what you needed was to rediscover its roots.

 

ARCHER. We did it! The franchise is rescued--the Star Trek voyages can continue!

 

KIRK. I'm disappointed I did not get to engage in a fist fight to save the universe.

 

JANEWAY. All we need now is a great closing line. Something about adventure, indomitable spirit, and the endless quest for the unknown.

 

SISKO. I'll do the final line! (Clears throat.) Thataway, Mr. Mayweather (gestures outward), and don't look back.

 

PICARD. I'll do the final line! (Clears throat.) Full power, Rudolph. Up, up, and away!

 

JANEWAY. I'll do the final line! (Clears throat.) Happy trails to you, until we meet again!

 

ARCHER. I'll do the final line! (Clears throat.) Out there, my friends, out there among the stars, are unlimited residuals!

 

T'POL. There's just one thing I don't understand.

 

ARCHER. Just one thing?

 

T'POL. The Star Trek producer from the future ceased to exist. Doesn't this mean that we failed to save the show, and this had already happened from the standpoint of the future?

 

KIRK. (Oblivious.) I'll do the final line! (Clears throat.) Now it is time to boldly go...

 

ALL OTHERS. No!

 

SPOCK. (Looks at tricorder.) The infinitely split infinitive has finished forming. The Star Trek universe will now disappear. (Makes the Vulcan hand gesture.) Live long, and perspire. (Everything disappears in a blur of special effects.)

 

End of series.

 

Tune in next fall for the premiere of the new show, "Star Trek: CSI."

 

Gregg Easterbrook is a senior editor at TNR and a visiting fellow at the Brookings Institution.

[TetsuoShima]

Hey this thing is actually FUNNY! :D

[mcant]

cruel but sadly tue lol

[ank329]

saddly, that is really funny

[MrFoam]

Agreed!

[luukie41]

sure it is lol

[Taz]

ROFLAMO! This is worth its weight in Latinum!

[Pendrake]

That was AMAZING HAHAH!!! Made me laugh!

[hubix]

funny but sad

[Weyoun]

That really would have made a better finale then the actual one.

[bbbb]

T'Pol gives me the impression that she's always wanted to kill Archer. Just look at the way she reacted to him in the ending of the finale. Much emotion, she has.

[smokinmasta]

Nice one, really quite funny!!

 

Smokin...............

[rcazant]

I don't understand why you all think this is funny. They're making a mockery of everything Star Trek stands for.

 

I am grossly offended by this. :mad: :mad: :mad:

[Daedrus]

:D that was some funny shit... though i don't recall picard ever saying "up up and away"

[piepie]

REED. They're firing! (Ship shakes. Everyone is thrown from side to side, electrical fires break out.)

 

ARCHER. How come whenever a Star Trek ship is hit on the outside, electrical fires start on the bridge, all the way inside?

 

 

Having plexi-glass hand guards over the control panels would have saved a lot of lives. Seat belts are badly needed too. It's obvious that Brussels doesn't exist in the future to enforce health and safety.

[Timz01]

I don't understand why you all think this is funny. They're making a mockery of everything Star Trek stands for.

 

I am grossly offended by this. :mad: :mad: :mad:

 

really, or sarcastically, because it is really funny.

[negger]

HAHAHAHA.......THIS DEFINITELY IS FUNNY!!!

 

But theres one thing I probably will never understand:

 

[...]ARCHER. Here's what we'll do. We'll organize an incredibly dangerous away mission in which our shuttlepod flies directly into a trap. As captain and the only irreplaceable person on board, I, of course, will lead the away mission. But I'll take along a crewmember who's never been seen in any previous episode. That guy will get killed, then you can mount a rescue mission for me that includes lots of kickboxing and small-arms fire. [...]

Why the captain??

[Moonstalker]

Funny but sad OR sad but funny.

 

Either way it's somehow appropriate.

[Razor]

LMFAO ok now thas crude but so so funny :D

[Jawa]

funny, but if one cannot make fun of the things you love, you have to question what you really feel about the show..

 

Iwould like to se a crewman say "Hell no!! i'm not going on the away team, 4 of my brothers died last season..."